An Unexpected Side Effect

As I’ve continued down the path to Minimalism and simple living, there have been two effects that have been entirely expected: more time and more space. However these two things have brought with them something completely unexpected. Yes, I knew that I would have the time to be able to look within, to define exactly who I am from a character standpoint, rather than a materialistic one.

I made lists of the things that I was grateful for, in order to remember to practice gratitude. I meditated on the positive qualities that I would like to enhance or add. I thought about my altruistic goals for the betterment of society. I dug deeply into my creativity and sought to bring more of it to the surface. I searched for the “happy-go-lucky,” spritely Pollyanna inside of me, who was all rainbows, glitter, butterflies and unicorns. But I found out that I was stuck. There was something blocking my way. I couldn’t move forward.

I had no idea that I would also be confronting my own darkness - that big, black void that houses everything that I detest about myself. I didn’t know that I would be required to think about the callous way that I’ve treated some people. It never occurred to me that I would have to actually dive into the cesspool of my own shortcomings and willful behavior. 

I didn’t sign up for this! 

I can feel it, simmering in the base of my skull, like a small black hole. There’s another spot, right next to my heart that threatens to spill out. It’s difficult to keep them in check, but what’s even harder is to accept the fact that they are a part of me and they are of my own creation.

But, I must.

I must look at them. I have to face the black horror. I must embrace those parts of myself and be willing to be sickened by what I find. I must do it, because that’s the only way to purge them from my life.

And it’s good. I have created the time and the space to be able to take on this seemingly monumental task. Inadvertently, I have given myself the space to be able to look at my anger at past lovers, my jealousies, my ignorance, my lashing out at the people that I care about most, my feelings of betrayal, my insecurities and my feelings of inadequacy. 

This step is necessary. It is required before I can continue my journey. I have to confront these things before I am able to add the positive qualities. It’s another part of the decluttering process. 

The blackness has taken up space in my head and heart for too long. It has taken enough of my time. It’s like the squatter that lives in a home, without paying rent. Now is the time for eviction.

Be prepared, if you are taking the path toward simpler living. This is a section that is unavoidable. There is no way around it if you truly desire to eliminate the unnecessary from your life. But the path is good. Sometimes painful, but good.

Much, I am not willing to speak of yet. Some, I may not talk about at all. Some I may share with you all, someday. But today isn’t it.

And before you ask or freak out, Mom, I’m fine. 

I am, and I will be, good.