Ugh... Another Yogi. Just don’t call me “Becky.”
It’s true. I have started a Yoga Journey (TM).
Over the course of the years, I have participated in many modalities of fitness/mind/body training. I’ve done tumbling. I’ve participated in track & field. I was a cheerleader. I achieved a black belt in Tae Kwon Do/Tang Soo Do. I tried weightlifting - not a joke. (Seriously, I did, but it was absolutely hilarious.) I danced. I bought exercise bands in different levels of resistance. I did bodyweight exercises. (Not bad, but BORING!!!) I briefly thought about CrossFit, but then decided that I didn’t want to be called Bret, or wear Axe Body Spray (R).
Throughout the years, I kept coming back to one thing - Yoga. I don’t know why, but it kept calling me. Perhaps, as an adolescent, it was the thought of being able to bend over far enough to self-gratify. (Don’t laugh, it’s a thing with some guys.) Maybe it was the thought of having enough flexibility to prevent injury. It might have been because I thought that I had incredible balance (at one time, yes). Perhaps it was just the fact that some of those yoga poses just look downright COOL!!
Truthfully, I don’t know what kept drawing me back. But in reality, it was all about the physical nature. Strictly about how much I could bend or how long I could stand in a one-legged posture (tree pose, for those of you that don’t follow yoga).
For each and every modality, it was the same thing: my physical body. How far could I jump, or how many times could I do the splits? Could I run faster or longer than anyone else? How many stunts could I do and how many times could I touch my toes in a basket toss? Could I box someone’s ear with my left foot and continue to be a “Headhunter” with my grasshopper legs? Could I get “SWOLE?” Could I perform the steps better than the best dancer in the troop? Could I be ripped and lean? Could I do “Murph” better than anyone? Could I get into Scorpion Pose or Dancer Pose and show up all those hacks?
It was about how good I was. It was about how much better I was than everyone else. It was about the failings of all those other losers. It was about my ego...
Wait... WHAT?!?!?!
Yes. It was about my ego.
And that was a crushing blow. During all this time, while I was trying to “better my body,” the only thing that became developed and “swole” was my ego.
My life path delivered a few crushing blows. Loss of a loved one, injury, surgery, and recovery, followed by a major health issue. And then it gave me depression.
I sat in it. I sat in it for a long time. I gave up. I didn’t look for anything outside of myself, except validation. And boy, did I look for validation.
I never found it.
Until...
I was broken. I was withdrawn. I didn’t really care about much of anything. Yeah, I made a lot of money and I was good at my job, but it was hollow. It was empty. It was unfulfilling.
Then, for some reason, I decided to try yoga again. I needed to move. I needed to get off my ass. I needed to feel connected to my body again. I needed an awareness that was inside, but one that also extended outside of myself. I needed to reconnect to my husband and my loved ones.
I found it. I turned on an app that I just happened to come across on my AppleTV. It seemed interesting. I saw these amazing people. I saw incredible poses. I tried one... I failed miserably. But I laughed.
I laughed at how broken I was. I laughed at the fact that 10 years ago, I could put my leg behind my head, but now, I could barely lift it to get my socks and shoes on, without becoming out of breath and needing some (a lot) of support. I found a community of people that were in the same position that I was. I also found a way to forgive myself and to embrace where I was in that moment.
Yes. I have rediscovered yoga again. But this time, it seems like I have discovered it for the first time. I’ve stopped thinking about how much better I am than everyone else (because I totally suck!!). I’ve stopped looking at all of those external things. I’ve started to focus more inward and gauge my progress just against myself. I’ve learned that I’m not NEARLY as flexible as I used to be, but I can get there again. And it’s not just about the flexibility of the body, but the flexibility and adaptability of the spirit.
I’m learning to laugh (at myself). I’m learning to fall down. I’m learning to lose my balance in order to find it! I am reveling in the imperfect perfection of who I am and the limitations of this bag of bones and flesh.
Yoga is not for everyone, but this time, it’s for me.
But please, don’t call me “Becky.” I don’t even OWN a pair of Uggs.
Over the course of the years, I have participated in many modalities of fitness/mind/body training. I’ve done tumbling. I’ve participated in track & field. I was a cheerleader. I achieved a black belt in Tae Kwon Do/Tang Soo Do. I tried weightlifting - not a joke. (Seriously, I did, but it was absolutely hilarious.) I danced. I bought exercise bands in different levels of resistance. I did bodyweight exercises. (Not bad, but BORING!!!) I briefly thought about CrossFit, but then decided that I didn’t want to be called Bret, or wear Axe Body Spray (R).
Throughout the years, I kept coming back to one thing - Yoga. I don’t know why, but it kept calling me. Perhaps, as an adolescent, it was the thought of being able to bend over far enough to self-gratify. (Don’t laugh, it’s a thing with some guys.) Maybe it was the thought of having enough flexibility to prevent injury. It might have been because I thought that I had incredible balance (at one time, yes). Perhaps it was just the fact that some of those yoga poses just look downright COOL!!
Truthfully, I don’t know what kept drawing me back. But in reality, it was all about the physical nature. Strictly about how much I could bend or how long I could stand in a one-legged posture (tree pose, for those of you that don’t follow yoga).
For each and every modality, it was the same thing: my physical body. How far could I jump, or how many times could I do the splits? Could I run faster or longer than anyone else? How many stunts could I do and how many times could I touch my toes in a basket toss? Could I box someone’s ear with my left foot and continue to be a “Headhunter” with my grasshopper legs? Could I get “SWOLE?” Could I perform the steps better than the best dancer in the troop? Could I be ripped and lean? Could I do “Murph” better than anyone? Could I get into Scorpion Pose or Dancer Pose and show up all those hacks?
It was about how good I was. It was about how much better I was than everyone else. It was about the failings of all those other losers. It was about my ego...
Wait... WHAT?!?!?!
Yes. It was about my ego.
And that was a crushing blow. During all this time, while I was trying to “better my body,” the only thing that became developed and “swole” was my ego.
My life path delivered a few crushing blows. Loss of a loved one, injury, surgery, and recovery, followed by a major health issue. And then it gave me depression.
I sat in it. I sat in it for a long time. I gave up. I didn’t look for anything outside of myself, except validation. And boy, did I look for validation.
I never found it.
Until...
I was broken. I was withdrawn. I didn’t really care about much of anything. Yeah, I made a lot of money and I was good at my job, but it was hollow. It was empty. It was unfulfilling.
Then, for some reason, I decided to try yoga again. I needed to move. I needed to get off my ass. I needed to feel connected to my body again. I needed an awareness that was inside, but one that also extended outside of myself. I needed to reconnect to my husband and my loved ones.
I found it. I turned on an app that I just happened to come across on my AppleTV. It seemed interesting. I saw these amazing people. I saw incredible poses. I tried one... I failed miserably. But I laughed.
I laughed at how broken I was. I laughed at the fact that 10 years ago, I could put my leg behind my head, but now, I could barely lift it to get my socks and shoes on, without becoming out of breath and needing some (a lot) of support. I found a community of people that were in the same position that I was. I also found a way to forgive myself and to embrace where I was in that moment.
Yes. I have rediscovered yoga again. But this time, it seems like I have discovered it for the first time. I’ve stopped thinking about how much better I am than everyone else (because I totally suck!!). I’ve stopped looking at all of those external things. I’ve started to focus more inward and gauge my progress just against myself. I’ve learned that I’m not NEARLY as flexible as I used to be, but I can get there again. And it’s not just about the flexibility of the body, but the flexibility and adaptability of the spirit.
I’m learning to laugh (at myself). I’m learning to fall down. I’m learning to lose my balance in order to find it! I am reveling in the imperfect perfection of who I am and the limitations of this bag of bones and flesh.
Yoga is not for everyone, but this time, it’s for me.
But please, don’t call me “Becky.” I don’t even OWN a pair of Uggs.
Comments
Post a Comment